82 - An open letter to A.L.F

Friday, April 01, 2016



Dearest A.L.F,

This year you would be eight (you are eight? I still struggle knowing what to do with that). I don't think about you every day any longer, but you are always in my heart and in everything I do.

I hope that I am doing you proud with Alfie's Studio - today I saw photos of work being featured in a book, I cried a little. When we used to visit you in the early days I would bring new plants and tell you about them, do you remember? The book is about flowers (sort of). I'm sorry we haven't visited for some time, I stopped needing to so much because I realised you were in my heart rather than at that place and it just made me too sad. It doesn't mean we don't care, it means we care too much.

The sight of daffodils doesn't seem to make me as sad as it used to (I took a picture the other day of some at your grandma's house and thought of you). I have yet to see the first lamb of the season so can't comment on them yet. I still don't like April Fools very much, April 1st is not and probably never will be my friend.

Your brother and sister know of you. I don't think they quite understand or can really comprehend, but they will, one day. They will know that you were courageous and funny, taught me how to love fiercely, how to protect them. You taught me resilience and strength, to never give up hope and to enjoy every little thing and moment, for it really is true that you don't know how many more you will have (the saddest and hardest lesson I've learnt so far).

I still can't quite stand it when they call me "mummy" instead of "mama" (they think it's funny to see me cross at them about it). I am and always will be your mummy and no one else's.

I'm not sure on religion but I often wonder if there is a heaven and you are there. If there is, what is it like? Do you have school? Are the schools taught by walruses in waistcoats and lions in bow ties? Have you met your great nana and great granddad? Great doesn't quite cover them, they were AWESOME and I miss them very much too. Is he Top Ten Angler in the Angling Times up there? Is she still cross about the varnishing of the dining table while she was in hospital? That would never have happened in her heaven...

Another year further from you, my sweet thing. Perhaps another year closer to finally getting to play on the beach with you or chase you through the woods?

I will love you, always.

Mummy x

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